Five Times Steve shocked someone on the team
by Jack Borroughs
Summary: Steve isn't as clean cut as people think he is
1. Gams

_Trying to get back in the game after months long writer's block. I'm a bit rusty, so tell me in which ways if you have the time.  
_

_Five Times Steve shocked someone else on the team._

* * *

Pepper Potts couldn't have been five feet outside the diner when a ketchup-soaked French fry dropped from Clint's mouth and into his mouth, and then he squeaked, "Ohmygod."

Natasha took a bite of her chicken salad and looked up at her two lunch-mates sitting at the table of the crowded diner. Clint's eyes were wide and his jaw dropped, while Steve looked confused, and mildly panicked.

"What?" she asked with a full mouth. And after chewing a swallowing, asked again, "What's the matter?"

"Her ass." Clint muttered, "Pepp—Pepper's ass. Blood and guts was checking it out. With his eyes."

Steve's eyes went wide, he looked down, and he tried to dig into his food, which he'd previously only picked at, trying to pretend nothing had happened.

Natasha's eyebrows rose and she looked between the two in surprise. Pepper Potts had been at SHIELD headquarters across the street for a meeting, and had dropped in to say hello. Natasha made some small talk, Clint made some good natured complements about the minidress she wore and Steve was, as usual, quiet and polite when spoken to.

"Did you?" Natasha asked.

"I most certainly did not!" Steve said indignantly.

"He _was eyeballing _it!" Clint said, and whipped his head to look Natasha in the eye, "Right when she turned around. He looked at it. He eye-hugged it! All the way until she left out the door. And then he smiled!"

"I wasn't eyeballing _it_!" Steve defended himself.

"Why'd you put the emphasis on the 'it', Steven?" Natasha asked.

Steve looked at her for a moment, and seemed like he was trying to think his way out of this one before he gave up and hung his head, and with a sigh, he said in resignation,

"They were her legs."

"Augh!" Clint sounded, "That's even worse!"

"How?" Natasha asked, "How is it worse?"

"There's two of them? I don't know! That's not the issue!" Clint said, pounding the table with his fist to punctuate his outrage, "The issue is…. Stevie boy was looking at a woman, like a grown man looks at a woman. I am deeply upset by this."

Natasha nodded, unable to conjure as much investment in the situation as Clint was.

"So all this time, your good old fashioned, clean-cut, wholesome, all-American dorkyness was a, a deceptive façade?" Clint demanded, "You're a dirty pervert, like the rest of us?"

Steve frowned.

"Look, Barton. I like legs. I like legs _very much_." Steve said, "I, however, understand that those legs carry human beings. I respect the women to whom those legs are attached, and so I don't wolf-whistle and I don't indulge in making lewd comments, because I don't want them to feel disrespected, as I mean no disrespect."

"She has a boyfriend." Clint growled, "You know, Tony?"

Steve furrowed his eyebrows."

"He's her boyfriend. He doesn't own her."

Clint stared at Steve blankly for a moment, and then he got up, pulled his jacket off the back of his chair and walked away without uttering a word.

"He's going to tell Tony, isn't he?"

"No, he won't." Natasha said as she took a drink of water, "Even if he did, Stark would probably take it as a complement."

Steve thought for a moment before he said,

"I should talk to Clint."

"You should take a class on being subtle, too. You're an Agent of SHIELD, now, Steven. You can't be getting caught looking at a woman's legs."


	2. Camels

Tony Stark would be the first to admit he wasn't the most observant of people. Except that wasn't true at all. Not that he was the most observant, because he really wasn't, but the part about him being the first to admit it. He leaves the pointing out of his characters flaws to Pepper.

He didn't always catch on when someone was upset about him, or someone was acting strange, or someone was going behind your back, turning your company against you. But every now and then he had a good day, and he started noticing things like how Steve tended to glance at the clock, and soon after he and Coulson would exchange a nod and a few minutes later, neither would be around.

It was enough to pique his interest, and he often wondered why were the two disappearing together so often, where were they going to and what did they do once they were there?

Try as he might, Tony could not help but suspect it was gay sex.

Still, he had to know for sure. Natasha gave him strange looks when he asked her what was going on and made some distance. Clint pondered Tony's bribe briefly, then decided it wasn't worth it to get involved in finding out.

So Tony had to go through with it alone, and through trial and error, one or two bugs, and nine-hundred dollars in bribes, he found himself one Thursday afternoon in a darkened corner of the Hellicarier, watching Coulson enter a room, and ten minutes later, Spangles folloing him in.

Tony waited fifteen seconds before he left the corner, and by the time he got to the door, it was twenty five. Twenty five seconds was enough time, Tony thought, for them to start kissing, but not enough for Coulson to strip down to his Captain America thong.

"Aha!" Tony exclaimed as he swung the door open dramatically, and then, after a beat, he muttered lowly,

"What the fuck is this?"

Coulson's lips are chapped, and at the moment they happen to be wrapped around a supple…. Pale…. cigarette.

The flame from a Zippo in Steve's hands flutters just beneath the tip, not lighting it yet, as Steve, his own cigarettes already lit and lodged in the corner of his mouth, was distracted by Tony's intrusion. The room they're in is mostly bare, and there's a window open, that Fury thinks is the only one of its kind aboard.

"What are you doing here?" Steve asked in annoyance.

"What are _you…. Doing…. _In here?" Tony asked in return, indignantly.

"I'm having a cigarette. _What are you doing in here?_"

"I'm catching you in the act…"

"What?" Steve asked, his patience wearing thing, as he raised the Zippo to light Coulson's cigarette, then flicked it shut and dropped it into his pocket. He took a drag and exhaled a moment later out of his nostrils.

"I'm here, because…. I wanted to asked you… Questions about…. Guadalcanal."

Aside from not being always the most perceptive, Tony is also not always the best at thinking on his feet. Steve took a drag, took the cigarette out of his mouth and exhaled.

"It was before my time." Steve said, though it was clear he didn't buy it. Beside him, Coulson fidgeted uncomfortably, and Tony was sure that he hadn't taken a single drag yet.

"What a shame." Tony said and scratched his chin, "So you smoke, huh?"

"Yes, I do, and look, I know everything you'll tell me."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I know they kill, but I think if I can survive seventy years on ice, I can handle a pack every three days."

"I don't think I can argue with that."

Coulson took the cigarettes out of his mouth and held it at an angle, so its smoke didn't blow directly at his jacket, and cleared his throat.

"The Hellicarier is supposed to be a smoke-free environment, Mr. Stark. We would appreciate it if we could keep this between just the three of us."

Steve nodded as he raised the cigarette to his lips and puffed.

"You want to shirk Fury's regulations?" Tony asked, mock-scandalized, "Okay, just this once."

A brief revile on a bugle rang out, and Steve fished his phone out of his pocket to view his incoming text.

"I'm wanted topside." Steve said as he flicked his cigarette out of the window, "Sorry to bail on you, Phil."

"Anything serious?" Tony asked, "Do I have to come along too?"

"No, I have to brief those Army Rang-"

"Nevermind. You lost me at 'brief'."

Steve slipped past Tony on his way out, bidding both men a farewell. Once they were alone, Tony smirked at Coulson, who took a moment before he awkwardly stuck his hand out the window and threw his cigarette away.

"You're not a super-soldier, Coulson."

"True, but I do get stabbed by omnicidal space gods, so it's not like that'll be the thing that kills me."

"Uh-huh. You didn't take a single drag. Not one."

"Well, you showed up… and…"

"And Cap wasn't looking so you didn't smoke, and when he left, you decided you didn't want to smoke after all."

Coulson hung his head wordlessly, and Tony chuckled.

"Phil, do you smoke just so you can hang out with Cap? So that Cap will think you're cool?"

Coulson left the room without a word, and Tony shook his head as he followed him, and muttered,

"Dude."


End file.
